Friends......

Last year was full of ups and downs for me and many people I know, and much of the lows were to do with money problems, deaths and unemployment. But in this dire economic climate and extremely bad weather, there should be at least 1 thing you can count on- and that is- your ‘FRIENDS’.

Now, the definition of a ‘FRIEND’ (whether it be male or female) from the Oxford Online dictionary is:

‘A familiar or helpful thing’ or ‘a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations’

So, what I would like to know is when a woman goes out to dinner with a man friend and he pays for the meal (he has a Taste card giving 50% off the meal) and she does offer to pay her half- Does this insinuate the lady in question is in the midst of being swept off her feet? OR is this an innocent act of two friends going out to have a meal, because they:

 A) Enjoy each other’s company

B) He has a Taste card enforcing the 2-4-1 deal

C) Because he is slyly grooming her?

Because, we all go out to eat with our mates don’t we? I sometimes pay and you probably sometimes pay- it doesn’t mean I am trying to sweet you to get into your pants or knickers, (though my experience of this has definitely lit up my Lesbonic tendencies!)

I, personally, am sick to death with all these hungry belly men waiting on the sidelines with their crap game plans to pounce on a lady just when her relationship has broken down.

Give a lady some space to get over the break-up yo!

Even if we’re single, some of you will play it cool like you’re too nice and think the more time we spend with you and the nicer you are to us, we’ll just fall head over dick in love with you!!!!

STOP trying to GROOM us like you’re some paedo. If we wanted you in that way we would’ve given you the green light from longtime. I mean God loves a tryer, doesn’t he? But these tactics are bordering on embarrassing.

About did I think you were spending so much time with me ‘cos you were bored?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA!

Excuse me while I vomit and excuse me for thinking you ENJOYED spending time with me ‘cos I was such a nice human being you ostentatious oaf!!! Clearly all that time and money you spent was not effective in sweeping me off my feet was it?

Now it just makes me want to drop kick you in ya throat with my feet!

Why can’t you lot just BE FRIENDS?????? Instead of the whole schmoozing act. Just be a mate innit! Simply platonic… That shoulder when we need a cry or someone to talk to, the lift from the shops when our bags are too heavy, I mean it’s not like you have anything constructive or productive to do, is it?

Listen for 2012 I’m on a next flex- I’m not going to be the one who filled up your head and gave you the wrong message! - I’m sticking with my sisters and my gay mates, that way no one gets their feelings or their pride hurt.

So next time you meet a woman and you deceitfully try and get your chirp on, don’t be offended when she tells you, she has “enough friends”. We know your game and we ain’t about to be called hussies or hoes for unwittingly leading you arrogant, pompous, misogynistic testosterone- fuelled (insert word here) on some Yellow Brick Road- Labyrinthine- Get Ish Twisted- sordid affair.

Get it? Got it? Good!